1, 2, 3, 4 Watch the blood drip on the floor
by BlaineAndergay
Summary: Blaine remembers the first time he cut himself. How could he forget the day he ruined his own life?
1. Chapter 1

Blaine remembers the first time he cut himself. How could he forget the day he ruined his own life?

~o~o~o~o~

Blaine was 14 when he came out. He couldn't hide it anymore. He asked his parents to meet him in the living room in half an hour. He had to give himself a little time to work up the courage to do this.

"Mom, Dad... I have something to tell you guys something.." He starts, having a hard time getting the words out.

"What is it honey? Is something wrong?" His mom asks, clearly getting worried.

"No, uh, nothing like that..." He clears his throat. "...I'm.. I'm gay."

"You're... WHAT?" Blaine's dad says, clearly pissed.

"I'm gay, dad."

"No. You aren't. My son isn't a fucking faggot."

"Dad, i.."

"Shut the fuck up, Blaine. You aren't a faggot, okay. We didn't raise you like that. We raised you right. You aren't gay. This is a phase."

Blaine wasn't sure if he was trying to convince him, or convince himself.

"Dad, it doesn't have to do with how you raised me. It's who I am. You are either born gay or you aren't, it isn't a choice!"

"Oh bullshit it's not a fucking choice. You weren't born gay because you aren't gay. You are confused Blaine, okay? YOU. AREN'T. GAY."

Blaine was sobbing at this point.

"Why can't you accept me dad? This is who I am, why can't you be okay with that? This doesn't change who I am, I'm still the same Blaine I've always been, dad. I'm still the same person..."

"Yeah, you are the same person, because you aren't gay. Now go to your fucking room, your mother and i need to have a little talk."

Blaine ran up the stairs as fast as he possibly could_. No. This isn't how it's supposed to be. They were supposed to hug me and tell me that it's okay and i can love whoever i want to and they would support me. It's not supposed to be like this, _He thinks_. I'm just going to take a shower and let them talk. He was just shocked, that's all. Mom didn't even say anything, she was just shocked too right? That has to be all. They will call me down tonight and dad will apologize and say he overreacted and he's going to love and support him no matter what. That's what parents are supposed to do, right?_

~o~o~o~o~

He was in the bathroom when he got the idea.

He grabbed one of the many disposable razors from the cabinet along with a metal nail file. He popped the plastic edging off and pulled the razor blades out with tweezers, being careful not to cut his fingers. They popped right out. He dropped them into his palm. The sound they made when they fell made him smile.

He let the water get to the perfect temperature and stepped in, still holding the blades. He let the water run over him, enjoying the slight chill of the water as it clung to his skin. He shivered slightly at how cold the blades had gotten.

_Steady... Steady.._ He thought as he set down one of the blades and proceeded to press one lightly onto his shoulder. He figured his shoulder would be a good spot since he could very easily hide that with a t-shirt. He pressed down until he could feel the pressure of the sharp edge against his skin.

He started out dragging slowly, but the pain turned into itching. _Fuck it._ One quick pull and suddenly the water running off of him is tinged slightly pink. Moving the blade down the his stomach, he repeats the motion. The water gets a little darker.

"Just one more.." He whispers to himself.

And those 2 turn into 4. 4 turns into 10. 10 turns into 14.

He only stops when the water running down is nearly a deep red.

_Shit._

He starts getting faint.

He turns off the water and runs to his room, bringing bandages with him.

He locks the door and is about to sit down when he starts hearing a loud ringing in his ears.

And then everything goes black.

~o~o~o~o~

It's been about 3 years since that day.

Blaine's parents had never accepted him. His dad had started hitting him, while his mom just ignored him.

His stomach is completely covered in scars. There isn't a clean spot of skin from his hips to his chest.

By now he had over 300 scars covering him. He tried to quit, but never lasted more than a month. He never failed to relapse.

Except when he met Kurt.

He quickly became his best friend.

They could talk to each other about anything. Aside from the scars at least.

Kurt had gotten dangerously close to finding his blades a few times, but it wasn't until they were dating that he actually found them.

He had been looking through some of Blaine's stuff when he dropped something between the nightstand and the bed. He went to reach down for it and Blaine smacked his hand away.

"What was that for?" He asked, irritated.

"Um.. Nothing, sorry.. Let me just get that for you so you don't have to reach down for it.."

"WAIT. No. Something is up with you." He said, slightly glaring at him. He reached down when he felt something that felt slightly like velvet. He pulled out a ring box and looked at it, confused. "What's this, Blaine?" He said. When he looked up, he noticed Blaine's face was completely white.

"I... Please Kurt, please don't open it.."

But he was too late, Kurt had already opened it. Blaine started crying as he pulled the blades out.

"B-Blaine.." He stuttered, "What... Why do you.. Why do you have a box filled with razors, Blaine?"

Shit. Now Kurt was crying.

Blaine quickly got up and sat on the ground with Kurt, grabbing his waist from behind and hugging him so tightly that Kurt could barely breathe.

"P-Please don't leave me, Kurt.."

"Leave you? I- I wouldn't do that to you baby, I just... Why?"

He tells him the whole story. He leaves out the details (like the amount of blood and the fainting) but tells him everything else.

"I... I know your dad has never really liked us dating, but.. How could he say that to you, Blaine? He's your dad, isn't he supposed to love you no matter what?"

They were both crying, just sitting on Blaine's bedroom floor, hugging each other. Somewhere during the story Kurt had put the blades back into the ring box.

"Let's.. Let's just lay down, okay Kurt?"

They get into bed. Kurt sits up.

"Blaine.. Can I.. Can I see your scars?"

He hesitates.

"Okay, but.. You have to promise me something first."

"Anything."

"You can't tell anybody. And.. Please, please don't cry or get scared when you see.."

"I promise."

Blaine laid flat on his back, taking a deep breath before he pulled his shirt off.

"Oh my god...Blaine.. I.. How did you keep this hidden all this time?"

"It's easier than you might think, actually.."

Kurt sat up more, ending up on his knees. He moved over to where Blaine was laying down and sat near his feet. He stretched out until he was laying on top of him. He gave him a quick kiss.

"I love you, Blaine."

Blaine couldn't think at all. His mind was racing. The last thing he was expecting was for Kurt to tell he loved him for the first time.

"I- I love you too." Blaine stutters.

Kurt slides down until his head is around Blaine's chest.

"I.. What are you.."

Kurt starts kissing down his chest, down his stomach, a kiss over every scar on his body.

"I love you no matter what, Blaine. These scars will never change that, okay?"

"Yeah.. Okay.. Um.. Kurt?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."


	2. Chapter 2

He and Kurt had been together for a long time before Kurt got into NYADA.

The day he left was one of the worst days of Blaine's life.

They were strong enough for long distance according to Kurt, but Blaine didn't know how he would last a whole year without him.

Of course there would be holidays, and he could always text him or Skype him, but that never felt like enough.

He had been gone for almost 2 months when Blaine had started cutting again.

He was ashamed.

He didn't like lying to Kurt.

_You aren't lying to him.. He hasn't actually asked if you've been cutting has he? He hasn't had to do that in nearly 8 months, He's not worried about a relapse…_

He knew that was a lie though. No matter how long he went without, Kurt always worried about him relapsing. Every time he took his shirt off he would check for new cuts.

Kurt had been gone for about 3 months when he noticed that he was cutting again.

They had been Skyping. Blaine had gotten up to get something and his shirt inched up a little. And that's when Kurt noticed that his hip was covered in little red lines, not the normal pink or white scars he was used to.

Kurt gasped quite loudly.

Blaine whipped around when he heard it.

"What, what is it Kurt? Did something happen?"

"B-Blaine…" He stuttered.

"Would you please take your shirt off for a minute?"

_Fuck._


	3. Chapter 3

He had spent an hour explaining it to Kurt.

Most of that time was spent crying. Both of them crying.

Kurt was disappointed. He didn't actually SAY that he was disappointed, but Blaine knew he was.

_I can't do anything right. I'm a failure. My boyfriend is ashamed of me, my parents hate me, my dad beats me, I hate myself, I relapsed even though I promised Kurt I wouldn't..._

It didn't take long for Blaine to find his solution.

He had thought about it before, even planned it.

He scrawled out a quick note

_"I'm sorry. I don't know how else to say this. I'm so, so sorry."_

He was sobbing. The paper had little wet spots all over it .

_"Kurt, I'm especially sorry for what this will do to you. Please, Please stay strong for me. Please. Please tell everyone in the glee club that I love them and will miss them like crazy. I'm going to miss you so much. I'm sorry I couldn't be strong enough to hold on any longer. I'm sorry to put you through this. I'm sorry that I couldn't hold on long enough for our wedding day. I was going to propose once you graduated. I'm sorry that we won't ever be able to hold our baby or see him or her grow up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know if I could ever stop being sorry for this. _

_I love you so much. Thank you for showing me what love was like. Thank you for showing me how great the world would be if everything was as simple as having dinner with you and seeing a movie. Thank you for being there for me._

_I'm going to miss you so much Kurt._

_Goodbye."_

Blaine was sobbing. He was shaking so hard he had no clue how he managed to even stand up.

He thanked god his parents weren't home.

He went down to the liquor cabinet and pulled out Kurt's favorite kind of wine.

He went to the bathroom and grabbed all of him mother's muscle relaxers, pain killers, anything else that he could think of that might work.

He popped the wine bottle open and started drinking.

After he downed about half the bottle, he opened the pill bottles.

The taste of wine lingered on his tongue as he pulled the pills out one by one, sorting them into little piles on his bed. He scooped up the first pile, tipped back the wine, tossed back the pills, and swallowed. He repeated this until all of the pills were gone. He had taken a good 200 pills he was guessing. That's when his stomach started hurting. He chugged the rest of the wine, dropped the bottle, and curled up in bed with the stuffed animal Kurt had given him a while back. It still smelled like him. Or maybe it didn't and Blaine was just going insane.

He turned on the radio before getting under the covers.

_Ah. There was the familiar ringing in his ears that he got when he cut too deep and the blood wouldn't stop pouring out._

It only took a few seconds before the ringing drowned out the radio.

Blaine smiled as a tear ran down his cheek and everything went black.

~o~o~o~o~


	4. Chapter 4

The first thing he noticed was a pounding headache.

_Was that all a dream?_

Then he noticed how badly his throat hurt.

And then he opened his eyes.

The first thing he saw was a very bright light. he heard someone run over to his side.

"KURT! KURT COME HERE! QUICK!" He hears a voice he recognizes instantly. _Rachel? What was she doing here? Unless.. It wasn't actually a dream, and I'm in in the hospital. I can't even kill myself right._

He heard quite a few voices. His eyes had finally adjusted to the light. Yep. definitely in a hospital. And Rachel was sitting next to him, crying and smiling, squeezing his hand.

He saw the door swing open and Kurt ran in.

"BLAINE! YOU'RE ALIVE!" He yelled, starting to cry as well. He saw the rest of the New Directions come into the small room. They were all crying. Even Puck, which was rare.

"Oh my god, Blaine, I.. I thought I had lost you forever! Oh my god I'm so glad you are alive!" Kurt cries in between kisses.

_Shit. I really didn't think my plan through. I knew he would be upset, but had he really cared THAT much?_

They all just stood there. Watching Blaine with looks of disbelief.

"The.. The doctor said that if you didn't wake up within a week you would have only had a 1% chance of living. I just can't believe you woke up baby, I'm so happy you woke up." Kurt says, sobbing.

"I.. How long was I in a coma?"

"12 days. We thought you were gone, Blaine, we didn't think you would wake up at all."

"What happened?"

"Apparently you had said you would call Rachel at 4, and by 6 she was really worried that you hadn't picked up the phone or answered your texts so she sent Tina to go see if you were okay. You didn't answer the door, so she grabbed the key you hid for us for emergencies and went up to your room. She opened the door and thought you were sleeping, but then she noticed the pill bottles, the empty wine bottle, and the note. She called an ambulance, and here we are." Mike explained.

"Once the ambulance was on its way, she called Burt and Carole. they rushed over, and by then the ambulance had you on your way here. Tina was in no shape to drive, so she waiting for Burt and Carole and went with them to the hospital. she called everyone from the glee club when she was in the car, she had read the note and told us what it said. In a couple days everyone had gotten here. Everyone got the next plane ticket to Ohio and got here as fast as they could. Kurt took it the toughest, obviously, he's only left your side to go to the bathroom, I don't even think hes had a bite to eat this whole time, he's been so worried. You have no idea how happy we are that you woke up, Blaine. I don't know what any of us would have done without you."

At some point during the story, Kurt had climbed into the hospital bed and was hugging Blaine and kissing him as he cuddled up into the crook of his neck, crying.

Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt.

"I love you," He whispered into his ear. "I'm so, so sorry, Kurt. The pressure just got to be too much, I just couldn't do it any more. I'm so sorry." he cried.

"It's okay, baby, we're gonna be okay, you will see. You're gonna move to New York and live with me and Rachel and just finish high school there baby, okay? We can be together and you will be safe and you will never have to scare me like that again."

"I think I would like that a lot, Kurt. I love you so, so, so much," He mumbled. "And thanks you, everyone. For being here for me, and.. And just caring about me. I love you guys."

And in that moment, Blaine knew he would be okay. It wouldn't be easy, but he was going to get better.

No matter what it would take.


End file.
